...and what do you do to remedy that unequivocal feeling that you are dispensable?
when the entire world has forgotten you--and you don't care, because the people that really matter--those that are intrinsic to your sense of self, they haven't--
but then they do..
and you're left in a void of neither here nor there, and completely, utterly and entirely alone..
all those things you'd thought they'd meant,
all those things that seemed so real in so many moments that passed--
they all became arbitrary in that second when everything disintegrated and left you cold..
and though you shiver in the dark and search blindly for a hand to grasp onto--
and though you hope that a warm touch will reach out and pull you back,
it never comes.
...you're left to wander the cliff edges of pitch-noir, scrambling on mountain sides,
hoping not to fall into the abyss that waits so patiently for your return--
you've been here before--
but not for many years, and all those memories you'd thought you'd left in this darkness..they've all been waiting for you--
and now here, on your own, they emerge from the darkest shadows and welcome you back
with shrill cries and archaic rage--
these terrifying nightmares that dominated everything you knew up until you said goodbye--
up until you were welcomed into sun-light with rose petals polka-dotting your 'i's...
and the world had opened its eyes and seen you in an instant--
everything folded up like origami and fit perfectly into a package labelled, 'me'.
...they all made you feel like you'd come home--
like those years of blackened torture had all been some silly nightmare that was now over--
and had never been as bad as you'd imagined.
..and you believed them..you believed everything they said because in those moments it had all seemed so distant--
so now, back where you started all those years ago,
you wonder--
was there ever a time when there was neither sunshine nor pitch-noir?
when life just flowed, because it could--
when neither the world and its lies nor the deepest black and its nightmares dominated your dementia,
when all that you knew made sense--
simply because that's how it was supposed to be.