ephemeral thought. If all I want is to go back, then why am I still moving forward?
Why keep going in the direction in which the memories stop making you smile. Go back. Take me there.
Take me to skies laced with clouds, soaring high on a mountain's breeze. Or further back to a lonely day on Hallows Eve where we climbed towers in Berching and drank wine by candle light as it snowed so we might make new footprints.
Or back even more, to a time when so much was uncertain that it seemed set in stone. To days when the only thing that we knew was that everything would eventually change. And it did.
I miss that feeling I had when we slammed the doors on the jeep and drove south with a car full of life, and I cried because right there was the end of something. Because it was real.
And what is real anymore. Because some days are so numb.
I miss sitting on the bench looking out over the river valley. Ell's bench with a pocket full of sad-song-cds, a pen and a piece of paper. Writing of one, but thinking of the other.
So many. ephemeral. moments I can never take back, never get back. I used to hold my breath for a new day to come, and when I realised time passes slower when you hold your breath I tried my hardest to never let it out.
I don't always see future, past doesn't always remember me.
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." [the beatles]
We'll see about that.

The unabashed idiocy that surrounds the Western world, and Eastern and Middle for that matter, never ceases to astound me. For god's sakes [and I use this term rather arbitrarily because I don't believe in "God" at least not as [he] translates onto paper] isn't it about time we stop thinking with our pathetically undeveloped noggins and start understanding what's really going on?
In this two thousand and eighth year of history [according to the bible, Jesus, and of course God] we still stutter and trip over ourselves trying to defend things we don't understand. Want specifics? How about the ridiculous divide that exists between pro Palestine and pro Israel. How about the people that come out with absurdities supporting or trashing one side or the other.. people that read two cents on a wall post and decided it's time to give theirs without bothering to find out what they are arguing about?
The older I get [again, using term lightly because I'm not quite archaic] the more I realise that people really are stupid. Ignorant. Combative yet uneducated. And even worse than all of that, unwilling to become educated.
So here is where I blame somebody. Here is where I tell you that the government has fucked us all and we'd better get ready for Armageddon, though not the kind you hear about in Aerosmith songs, except I'm not going to. Because the truth of it all is that we are all each and individually responsible for our ignorance. There isn't another you can blame than yourself for refusing, avoiding and wandering past information. It's out there surrounding us, begging to be caught, yet nobody seems to be able to get a story straight. Obviously some people are a little bit more implicatable than others.. but at the end of it all, we are indefinitely responsible for ourselves, no matter the cards we are dealt in the beginning.
I don't really know what to say, because I am exhausted by trying. I am done trying to educate and inform and have intelligible arguments with people who refuse to learn. I'm not claiming to be perfect. Far from it. But in my favour I don't fight fights that I don't understand. I don't scream that you're wrong, without making damn sure that I know who is right. And I don't even forget to understand the other side, because there always is one, and there always will be.